The Reluctant Vampire Omnibus by Eric Morecambe

Author:Eric Morecambe [Eric Morecambe]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2013-11-06T05:00:00+00:00

‘Sah, hi was wondering, Sah, hif you ’ad read the mornin’ pypers, Sah?’ he asked. Well, actually he shouted. He shouted everything as if he were still on the parade ground. His wife and children were not only nervous wrecks, but slightly deaf as well.

To give the General his due, he had worked his way up from the ranks of the Gotcharion Army to become their General. The Gotcharion Army consisted of six men, six including the General. At the moment there were two deserters, two on leave and one on manoeuvres.

‘Please, General, can you keep your voice down?’ the President asked.

‘Hov course, Sah,’ the General shouted back, the echo making the chandeliers tremble. Valentine shook his head.

‘What is it you wish to see me about, General?’

‘Well Sah, the late edition hov the mornin’ pypers said that the, er, statue hov Vernon had been blown darn, Sah,’ the wide General bellowed.

‘Yes, I had read that, General, thank you,’ the President waved his hand towards the door, hoping that the General just might take the hint.

But the General continued, ‘Blown darn, Sah, hand there ain’t no sign hov Vernon, Sah. Nah we bofe know that Vernon was put inside the statue, Sah.’ The last sentence was spoken in a whisper from the General that could be heard in the next village.

‘Please try to keep your voice down, General, I beg you.’

‘Hi ham keepin’ my voice darn, Sah,’ the big General’s soft voice once more shook the chandeliers.

‘Yes, well I think the best thing you can do, General, is send me a memo.’

He took the General’s fat arm and purposefully walked towards the door with him, while at the same time, to show there were no hard feelings, he put an arm around the General’s generous shoulder. It reached about halfway between the start of his shoulder and his spine.

‘I do appreciate the fact that you thought it necessary to come and see me but please do write to me, eh?’

‘Sah,’ screamed the General as he saluted his President. His President smiled. The smile faded as he saw a very expensive Ming vase break into little unrepairable pieces.

Once the General was outside the room, Valentine sat down on the edge of the bed. A hundred things went through his mind. He thought about Vernon; about how he had invented a fluid that, with the slightest touch, could turn people into stone; and how he had accidently let some of that terrible fluid drop on himself and he had been placed in the park as a statue. He realised that Vernon would be out to get his own back, not only on him, but on his mother and father and, in particular, Igon whom he hated. He knew that right now Vernon would be in hiding somewhere, planning how to kill them all, and anyone who stood in his way.

* * *

It was dark, very dark in the cave. Vernon opened one eye as he lay on a slab of stone. He knew he was as safe as the Bank of England, which, from the position he was lying in, was West by Nat.

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